Young Bul…

I was at the gym playing basketball last night, and chatting with another guy about the NBA and some of it past players. The subject came to Allen Iverson and I brought up “The Cross-over” on Mike Jordan.

“I don’t really remember that, I was three at the time.” He said.

SALTFACE

My New Favorite Place To Shop…

http://www.duluthtrading.com is the manliest place to shop on the internet. My favorite item so far is the Ballroom Jeans. The description is simply amazing.

MEN’S BALLROOM JEANS WITH A HIDDEN CROUCH GUSSET FOR EASE

 

“I like the fact that you designed your jeans without the cheap hotel syndrome (no ballroom),” wrote John P. from Ohio. Good point, John – so now we call them Ballroom® Jeans. They’re cut on the easy side, and built with the added comfort of our F.O.M.™ (freedom of movement) Crouch Gusset, so they don’t feel too tight when you bend, stoop or squat. The waistband, bottom leg openings and pockets are lined with Fire Hose® canvas – these babies are NOT going to fray, rip out or get holes in ’em from nails. Finally, side pockets are a full 12″ deep so your stuff doesn’t fall out. So go ahead: bend, crouch, climb, do the hokey pokey in comfort.

 

They also have a sweet shirt to help you chop down trees and stuff:

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I was unable to make it home due to my car catching on fire.

In protest I ignored all the invites of my friends to eat with them and their crazy families and worked fruitlessly in the freezing cold all day in efforts to stop the bleeding on my hooptie. Once I could no longer feel my feet or hands I went to find some food. But nothing containing turkey or yams because I was not thankful.

SURPRISINGLY there were no restaurants open. 7:30 Thanksgiving day and I could not find anywhere to fill my belly. But wait!! What’s this? As I crept down the block with cars overtaking me honking and raising their fingers in salutation I spied a glimmer of red light. CHECKERS! Yes. What better place to eat a meal in protest of this sorry day than Checkers. As I pulled to the faceless speaker board into which you speak your order I knew exactly what I wanted.

The meal that Leon Phelps made so famous, the fish sandwich. If you know anything about Checkers (and why would you not) you know that their fish sandwich is no normal sandwich. It has not one but two fish patties. Double the fun.

As I sat on my pleather couch watching a red box movie and smiling for the first time that day with a mouth full of what I hoped was codfish, I realized I was indeed thankful. I was thankful that those poor salty teenagers were forced by their slave master boss’ to work on this holiday long enough to make me a sandwich with not one but two fish patties, french fries, two apple pies and an Oreo milkshake.

And yes I put the fries in my sandwich.

Lo Lo Jones I want to hug you.

I found Lo Lo Jones’ website and I decided to kick game. I’m so smooth I don’t know how some PYT has not scooped me up yet…

“Will you please marry me? Seriously. I think we should do that. I am a virgin too. I smell good most of the time and I used to be an athlete as well. No where near as accomplished as you but I can out run small children and gentlemen with canes and walkers. I am of Jamaican descent. I hear that you are now training to be a bobsledder. Well I am not sure if you are familiar with Cool Runnin’s but Jamaicans know a thing or two about bob sledding. I am also good at hugging people when they are sad. When you were sad at the Olympics it made me sad. I wanted to hug you so you felt not as sad. You are cute even when you are sad. If you are not down with getting married to a man that you have never met I understand. We should at least meet up for a game of Uno and some cream soda. Good luck in the future Lo Lo. Take care of your face because it makes people happy, at least it makes me happy. I imagine it makes others happy as well.”

 

 

I got a response almost right away! She is thinking about my proposition and will get back to me.

Peanut Butta jelly time.

Peanut Butta jelly time. This shall do my belly fine,
Not cuz I love it, but broke I am.
Well that, plus I’m too lazy to cook and I gots no fryin’ pan.

I do love it though, it’s so versatile,
and when I’m at the store I visit just one isle.
Well almost. Dang! stop being so picky
at least I don’t have to drag a shopping cart with me!

Just my two hands suit me fine
I don’t even have to find the time
to stand
in line
look at my hands.
Clearly I have 10 items or less
Oh sir you won’t be a pest
if you jump ahead.
I insist! Just that and bread?
Yes you won’t take long. Cuz I on the other hand can’t read the sign and I brought two shopping carts full of junk to the express line.

Well if thou dost protest in as much that I will do.
S’cuze me while I squeeze by this narrow isle, please let me through.

Sometimes I gets fancy and add some special things
like banana, fluff, cinnamon, and maybe onion rings?
But mostly I’m too hungry to wait,
and I eat it before I’m done even dropping it on my plate.
Dinner time saaay whuuut?
I gots a special treat for my gut.

Bread and jam.
With? you guessed it chunky peanut butter
A nutter
Butter
for desert
If I wanna splurge and I aint spill none on my shirt…
collar
I use the extra dollar for a sip of drink.
Otherwise I stick my head under the faucet in the kitchen sink.

Not Pepsi or Coke nah man them drinks is a joke.
Cream Soda, ‘say whuuuut?!’ Thought I toldja!

When It comes to the cream I’m a solja.
Cream plus carbonation?
Man that’s a winning combination.
And if it’s chilled like I am I can’t help but be geeked
I sip a gulp and let the bubble sting the insides
of my cheek
like mouthwash, but tastes way mo betta.

I didn’t even spend,
all my ends,
to make this meal, cuz like I told you I gots no chedda.
But I got bread.
And jam and gubment peanut butta in them white cans with the stamp.
The stuff they feed folk at them FEMA camps.

Yeah its thicky, like a thigh
But don’t hate man,
stick with the game plan.
Get that butta knife and put it on the range man.
Heat it up and dig in,
go ‘head get your pig in
or on.
The top of the sandwich be the bomb,
if you toast the bread it’s so great.
Only crumbs left on your plate.
Go ahead you greedy glutton.
Lick that plate till you lose a button.

Jenny Craig kick a rock.
I’m not benefiting from your stocks.
Cuz the market is crashed like my diet.
My internals causing a riot
They just want to be fed.
Like a crazy chick wants to be held,
in a cell,
by a buff chick named…hold up, yeah back to my sandwich of choice right
I been dreaming all night…
bout it.
Couldn’t wait to get up and eat about it.

Yo can stack em,
hack em…
into pieces.
Add fruit,
dip in soup,
but that’s just nasty
but not the half B.
Cats put cheese on em
Swiss I think like the beat maker.
Not quite my flavor.
But hey, different types of bread make a change,
to the taste budd.
Yes it adds to your waist butt…

But the bottom line
It Peanut BUTTA JELLY TIME!!!

Wisdom from Leon…

“What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrent arroma of fine fine dining? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikly not it is unliking to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. You heard me release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper…”

A Poem by Leon Phelps

“I brought you some flowers…the look and feel plastic, but they smell real.”