Vote or Don’t…

Today is the official day to cast your vote for many offices and policies around the country. But the biggest sideshow is for President of the United States of America. Growing up in a house where my father was a news junky I could not help but wade in political water. I can remember chants of “Run Jesse Run!”, the freeing of Nelson Mandella, the launch of Desert Storm and other historical landmarks as if they were yesterday. Sunday mornings I was subject to Face the Nation, the McNeal Lehr News Hour, panels of rusty old white men with cotton mouth, all running their mouths on things I could care less about.

But somehow, the entire nation has become even more political. Specifically at the sunset of the reign of G.W. Bush the terrible and the rise of of B.O. Barach O’Bama not body odor, although there seems to be a rise in that as well. Suddenly everyone is a news anylist, pundant, and expert. My phone vibrates, flashes, and sings to me. I get so excite thinking it is a beautiful feminine that requires me to give her hugs, or a honest banker from Nigeria who found my 5th uncle’s will to leave me stack of bullion. But no, it’s mass texts from my friends reminding me to vote, calls from volunteers soliciting my vote, or Sallie Mae reminding me that I am her prostitute.

The funny thing is the theme of this and the last election is that “Your Vote Counts.” I have heard from religious friends that if I do not vote I am disappointing God. Many African American friends tell me that people died so that I could vote, so it is my duty to do so.

Let me first debunk the myth that your vote counts…

Electoral College.

Now let me address the part about people dying for me to vote seeing as thoug I cannot bring myself to dignify the thought that anyone not voting dissappoints God. Two choices are what? Are they really choices or an ultimatum? Republican, Democrat = Tomato, Tomato (I know you couldn’t hear me say it but I pronounced them exactly the same). I know some will say “Yeah but BRO!!! There are other people you can vote for!” OK BRO, but honestly every politician is just that to me. A Politician.

How do we fix the problem then?

Well I’m glad you asked. First the requirements of the office of the President should be changed. If the job was not only less glamorous, actually to the point of embarrassing we would have less applicants that do not mean well for the country.
If I re-wrote the requirements it would go like this:

1. A standerdized test similar to the SAT but specific to the history of the country and economic smart guy stuff.
2. Everytime a candidate speaks in a public place or on T.V. a lie detector would be hooked up to him that sends electric shock charges everytime it is triggered.
3. No salary. Not only should there be no salary but the Presidents entire mash of wealth and assets are ceased and given away. The benifit being that he/she never has to pay for anything again for the rest of their lives but they will live modest as a public servant.
4. They must do the inaugeration stark naked.
5. The President would not be allowed to shave or cut thier hair for the duration of their term.

If they still want to be president then they must really want to help. No self serving or personal gain, only someone who really wants to make a difference.

Secondly I would get rid of all political parties. How much sense does it make to have a United Country divided into two distinct parties? It makes no sense. First they fight dirty among themselves. Then when they lose they take back all that they said about their parties candidate and endorse them because they do not want the other side to win.

I would also get rid of vacations. If we are working so are you. Weekends only. You can vacation when you are retired.
So in conclusion Politics are for nerds and those that are easily fooled. Stay studying your lessons to keep the crowd guessing.

You Betta Pick Yo Afro Daddy Cuz It’s Flat On One Side.

Once upon a time in a land SO far away the government used it to store garbage and rusty cars, there lived a gentle young lad with a massive afro. This man loved cars. He also loved women. But both loves were expensive to maintain.

“Whoa is me…” Fro lamented. “I could spend my money on women, but then that would cut into my car money. I could spend money on cars, but that would deplete my woman money. I could spend money on both, but that would cut into my sock and underpants funds and I cannot cut cost on socks and underpants so what do I do?”

After much deliberation on how to merge the two loves he realized that the simple solution was to do up a really cool car that smelled good on the inside and women would run their fingers through his amazing afro.

The auto he picked was a Nissan S14. He worked hard and saved up the bread he wasn’t spending on socks and afro picks and used it for to make glorious his humble chariot steed.
He slabbed on paint, tucked tire and wheel, searched for parts, and sent people money. In turn those people sent him parts that he assembled and applied to the S14.
He dropped it as if it was hot, from the window to the walls, he polished till his fingers hurt, then he polished some more, often times using his afro as a rag. Squeezing testosterone from his hair onto his car he shaped it by hand and hair into a eye catching wonder.

Actually Fro let me in on a little secret. He did not work very hard on this slab. He took on this project to prove a point. Money doesn’t buy style. It is easy to make a vehicle look good.

I agree.

Now Fro has a different problem. He has to divert more money to undershirts and such because women skeezors flock to him so aggressively that he often returns home with torn garments.

But I doubt he is complaining…

“Fix your face…and your car. Style matters, your opinion does not.”– Dustin Benedict -bka- Fro (what I imagine he would say in this context.)