I once tamed a mountain lion and taught it how to yodel. The towns-people were afraid and annoyed at the same time so we were banished to the outskirts of the city. There the tiger raised me and taught me how to be a bear because the panther’s biggest enemy was Bear Grills and he wanted me to keep him safe because I was obviously much cooler and stronger than he. The cheetah (I named him Pretty Ricky btw) was walking in the spider webs one day attempting to leave a message so he could be called back and happened upon Bear Grills. Pretty Ricky the Jaguar yodeled as loud as he could (see how I tied that back into the story?) summoning me to his rescue. By this time a large crowd had gathered consisting of not easily impressed hipster townspeople sipping bubble tea and murmuring against the establishment. Bear Grills hearing the commotion descended upon the townspeople. At that moment I appeared all cool and stuff and karate chopped Bear Grills in his neck. He fell motionless in front of the hipsters and they let out an uninspired cheer. “Hey.” King Hipster said as he twirled his mustache. “You like… want to come back and live amongst us as our hero or something?” Nah bro.” I said as I hopped on the back of Pretty Ricky my Snow Leopard. “Back then you didn’t want me, now I’m hot y’all all on me.” I kicked Pretty Ricky the North American Cougar in the ribs and he stood up on his hind legs letting out a bellowing meow. As we galloped away into the smog smeared sunset, Pretty Ricky whispered in my ear…”Kick me in the ribs one more time and see what happens.”

What ever Ricky. You’re just a big cat.