The year was 1983. Michael Jackson was atop the Billboard charts, MTV was still watchable, National Lampoon’s Vacation was opening in theaters, The Jedi had returned and Ronald Regan had a brown suit on.
It was an amazing time. It was the best of times.
Somewhere in the world two young parents were delivering their third and final child. This child was to be the coolest cat that ever was, and would turn the game on its ear. At the same time Yamaha was putting together a monster of a machine, a 1983 Yamaha XJ750 Maxim. This thunderous machine would change the world almost as much as that young baby boy.
Now, at present time it is 2013. Cars still do not fly, Madonna is still trying to pass herself off as 20 something, Michael J. Fox cannot keep still, our president is black and it isn’t Morgan Freeman. Worst of all time travel has STILL not been opened to the public.
Things have changed, and you long for days of yore. If only the Pentagon would declassify time travel we could go back to a more simple time when things were better, hair was bigger and pants were leatherier.
Oh but wait! I have something that may scratch that itch! It’s a type of time machine, and much more affordable than a Delorean souped up by Doc Brown. Best of all you don’t have to worry about the Butter Fly Effect. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you THE 1983 Yamaha XJ750 Maxim. Modified for maximum cool this machine is bound to attract the opposite sex while you ride it. It will transport you and all that view it to a time when men were men and acid washed jeans were not only acceptable but required for entrance into some clubs. You will feel like Prince from Purple Rain. Who doesn’t want to be like Prince? If you haven’t seen purple rain…I don’t know what to tell you. Go purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
What’s that? You are a hipster and you don’t actually want to go all the way back to the early 80’s? Well that is fine. With modern touches like the LED turn signals, brake light, updated shocks and springs you can remind yourself that you are so over everything that is not obscure as you ride through the city with your retro helmet to the coffee shop. With the perfect blend of cafe/bobber styling all your hipster friends will be ironically jealous of you.
The synthetic Ostrich peanut butter leather seat looks so much like leather. But it’s not. It’s synthetic. I just said that. Why weren’t you listening? I am trying to help you here. Pay attention. Anyway, the seat is synthetic ostrich skin that way you can still be vegan and look down on people who wear leather shoes. Not vegan? Tell people its leather. No one will know. This is the bike for you stop questioning it.
This Maxim comes with a brand new clutch and oil. With this brand new clutch you can do burnouts with ease. More plates than Home Goods are soaked in the fresh Royal Purple motorcycle oil creating a smooth engagement and easy gear changes. The front brake lines were upgraded to stainless steel so that while you burn rubber in protest of the establishment you can be sure your front wheel won’t let you slip. Like a boss. NGK classic spark plugs with fresh wires make sure just enough gas is ignited to make the bike scream while the rest is expelled into the air to let everyone around know that you are a boss.
Woodcraft three piece handle bars clamp firmly to the front shocks giving you the perfect stance as you check your reflection out in store plate glass as you scream down the boulevard. You attractive hipster/non hipster you.
A 1981 Seca gas tank makes your XJ stand out from the crowd in an ironic way…or not. It has been stripped of all paint and been allowed to patina. Not in a rusty VW way, but an ironic I am a drifter and I don’t have time for paint type of way. Have you seen that Ryan Gosling movie “A Place Beyond The Pines’? If he was riding this bike he would have not been caught. Oops did I spoil the movie for you? Well buy this time machine of a bike and go back in time and don’t read that part. You are so smart. Why didn’t I think of that??
Do you have an annoying girlfriend that always wants to be around you? Well with this bike the cafe racer style full steel seat pan has only space for your two cheeks. That’s right boys. She has to stay at home and it ain’t your fault. Tell her meet your there.
Do you have a clingy boyfriend? Well with this bike the cafe racer style full steel seat pan has only space for your two cheeks. It was never painted and allowed to patina in a totally non VW way. So ironic Alanis Morrisette (she’s Canadian). Just enough surface rust to make you look dangerous. So tell your boyfriend to walk. You have no space for his cheeks. Ungh.
Listen. If you have gotten to this point and you have not been convinced that you MUST have this bike you probably like your desk job. You probably wear faded dress shirts to work and have issues with acid reflux from all the coffee you drink. Is your 401K part of your daily conversation? Maybe you drive a Toyota Corolla, but not in an ironic way. My friend your hipster/biker/toughguy/girl image is in question. If you want to get any respect from your boss you need this bike. If you want a promotion you need this bike. If you want to LIVE…that’s right you are getting the picture!
Wait, you don’t have a MC license? It doesn’t matter. You are an outlaw. You are rugged and rough. People lock their car doors when you saunter past. Haven’t you seen Sons of Anarchy? SINCE WHEN DOES ANARCHY FOLLOW RULES? Last time I checked having a motorcycle license is following rules.
Maybe you don’t deserve this bike.
Your kids don’t respect you and neither does your significant other.
Wait you don’t have kids? It doesn’t matter. They still don’t respect you. As a matter of fact I don’t have kids either and THEY don’t respect you. They have not even been conceived yet but they plan to not respect you because of your khakis and your lack of facial hair.
“How can I gain your unborn children’s respect?” You ask sheepishly.
I’m glad you asked. I am here to help. I only want the best for you. In order for my unborn children to look upon you with any sort of respect you need to buy this bike.
If you act now I will throw in a brand new Seca chin spoiler, spare carburetors, and four pod filters for only and extra $200!!! (not literally, I will probably hand them to you or let you pick them up with your own two hands. Unless you are handicapped in which case(no disrespect intended) you should not be riding a motorcycle. That is pretty irresponsible.)
“Why would you do this for me? I barely know you man?!?!”
Well I’m glad you asked. You see it’s like this: Remember way back in the beginning of this ad I was talking about a little baby boy born in 1983? He turned out to be the coolest guy ever? That is me. I am that cool guy. It’s what I do.
No need to thank me…No really it’s my pleasure.