Once upon a time in a land far away lived a beard named Bruno. This beard was so sad and cold for he had no where to lay his posterior. Made fun of by the other beards with faces to attach themselves to he decided that he would go on a voyage. With bits of left over mustache and neck trimmings the beard constructed a rocketship. He filled it with Sporting Waves pomade and boarded the ship.
Only two and a half days into the journey the ship ran out of pomade and crash landed. Bruno checked the navigational instruments and was immediately perplexed.
“Florida?! Oh whoa is me!” cried Bruno the Beard. “Florida fails so hard! I will never find a suitable face to be my host.”
Bruno exited the ship and walked dejected into the dark night. It was unusually cold and Bruno was tired so he broke into the next house he found and crawled onto what he thought was a pile of beef. Too tired to care he fell into a deep sleep.
Hertrech woke the next morning with a start. What a strange dream he thought to himself as he rubbed his eyes. He dropped to his knees to say his morning prayers “God you know I have been asking for a beard for quite sometime. But not just any beard. I need to be able to execute Haraguchi style drifts and smoky burnouts with ease so please find me a beard dripping with testosterone and chunks of dried tiger in it – Amen.”
He walked to the bathroom scratching his face still groggy. But something felt strange. He slammed the medicine cabinet shut and peered into the mirror. There was what appeared to be a black growth on his chin and cheeks. He ran to his bedroom grabbed his glasses and returned to the mirror fully awake. His heart started pounding as he inspected his face covered in hair. He pulled on it as drops of testosterone dripped into the sink. He felt power surge through his extremities.
Immediately Hertrech grabbed his keys and ran to the driveway. He plopped into his FC and started the engine. Smoke billowed from the rear wheels, women were cheering, men stood in ovation, old ladies hearing aids squealed as the smokiest burnout the world had ever seen played out before them.
The beard had found a home, and The Big Hert had become a man. Florida was saved.